Some times one spends so much time trying to please other people to try get them to love you that you lose yourself. You starting loathing who’ve you become but also not wanting to go back to the person you were. The person you believe was not loved. Simply because you could not accept yourself the way you were.
You find yourself obsessing on other people and copying their characteristics and mannerisms. Loving what they love, enjoying what they enjoy. If you do something that they do not approve of you quickly change it or if you like something only to realize that they don’t like it then you are quick to also not like it.
I spent many years of adulthood living a lie, trying to please everyone around me and then getting upset when they would leave me because I never knew what I wanted, so we would always be fighting. I didn’t know what I liked so i did not enjoy doing anything, which meant I did nothing most of the time besides sleep and work.
After my divorce I found myself moving from one unhealthy relationship to another. I was attracting a lot of people but they would soon leave. I started being afraid of being left alone and lonely. I began to think the was something seriously wrong with me because I couldn’t get anybody to love me.
After my last break-up I lost it. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I was on every pill trying to cope. I was seeing a therapist most of the time. I was so depressed the were times I could not even get of bed for days.
Eventually I lost it. I soon realized I was lost. i didn’t know who I was, what I liked. I had no ambitions, no dreams. I was completely lost. My whole life was a wreck. I had moved back home with my mother for the sake of my health as as I could no longer take off myself.
One day I sat alone in my room and realized, I was the problem. It was not previous relationships or the people from my past but me. I had lost myself completely. I needed to find myself again and to learn to love me.
I began slowly changing my ways. I found medium and spend a lot of time reading about peoples lives that were similar to mine and they had overcome their situations.
I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
I started to blog and learned that I had a passion. I had something I enjoyed. I really enjoyed reading and writing. I have also realized that I do enjoy movies, thrillers to be specific.
I’m enjoying spending time with my child. We bonding everyday and actually building a very good relationship.
I’m doing me and I’m loving me again. In turn, I have found the love of my life. Someone who treats me so well and that I want to treat well and respect. Someone who’s company I enjoy as much as I do my own. Who makes me happy. Who makes me feel loved.
I had to loose myself, in order to find me, so I can love me, so I can be loved…
Living can be terrifying
It’s not easy being alive but the thought of death terrifies me.
I have been a diabetic for 20 years and its been a turmoil of ups and downs. Hypos and hypers, the works. With time the depression kicked in… My life was nowhere where I expected it to be
… I had not accomplished anything I wanted. I felt like a complete failure… My marriage was a disaster… My husband couldn’t stand me and I hated my life yet the thought of dying terrified me. I didn’t want to live but I couldn’t stand the thought of seizing to be.
Eventually I ended up in a mental institute and then my husband left me. I was inadequate and beneath him though I helped him get to where he was.
I had support from friends and family and I made it out of the depression but constantly being in hospital took a toll on me and I ended up back where I began… My hypos got so bad, I had almost died on multiple occasions. I survived by some miracle but the past few days have been unfathomable. I have seen near death experiences that have shook me beyond my understanding. I am in a trance but I know living is hard but dying and leaving my child behind is not an option. Crying is not a luxury I posses. It won’t be easy but I will make it.